Don't worry - I'm not grieving alone...

I bought Chrys a cute red Gap hooded sweatshirt last Christmas. He loved it so much (and it looked so cute on him) that he would wear it almost every single evening after he got home from work. I think I've hugged him more times while he was wearing that sweatshirt than any other article of clothing (though the red Pleon Yacht Club T-Shirt(s) were a close second). And, it was the last thing Chrys was wearing when we went to the emergency room the week before he died.

He wore that sweatshirt so much, that when I found a teddy bear wearing the a similar hooded sweatshirt about 9 months ago, I absolutely had to get it for Chrys. Nothing was more adorable than Chrys hugging a teddy bear wearing a matching sweatshirt.

While Chrys was in the hospital, we had to limit visitors and physical contact, as the chemotherapy weakened his immune system. So instead, I brought the sweatshirt adorned teddy bear as a "surrogate Wurmie" for people to hug in the waiting room... And since Chrys's death (50 days ago today), I've cried while holding that teddy bear on almost a daily basis...

But a few days ago, I was longing for Chrys's hug so much that the tiny teddy bear wasn't cutting it... I then decided to put Chrys's sweatshirt on our Giant Tinky-Winky stuffed Teletubbie and hug that instead... That hug opened the floodgate to the hardest cry I've had since Chrys died.

My grief counselor warned me that I'd still have waves of crying so hard that I won't be able to catch my breath; and she was mostly correct... Hugging the Giant Tinky-Winky in Chrys's sweatshirt felt so much like hugging Chrys that I could only stop crying when I was coughing and gagging and nearly puking (I'm learning that grief not as pretty as it is in the movies)...

I'm sure my neighbors across the street think I'm a freak as they have seen me crying while standing and hugging Tinky-Winky a number of times over the past few days... (but then again, they might think that a stuffed-doll is an improvement, as I've been doing the same thing with a box (of Chrys's ashes) for the last few weeks...

I know that this must sound very sad -- and it is. But, according to my grief counselor, this is healthy, healing behavior - and it does feel pretty therapeutic after I finish crying... It's "good grief", so to speak...

But don't worry, I'm not going through this all alone... The first day that I put the Sweatshirt on Tinky Winky, I laid in bed most morning crying into Chrys's sweatshirt... After about an hour, I looked to the foot of the bed and discovered Alex was doing almost the same thing with the smaller teddy bear...

Thank goodness for our dogs Alex & Dory -- I don't think I could make it through this without them...

I miss my baby so much.